Note: This is Part 1 of the “Healty Desire Series”. Part 2 is here.
The gaze of desire is impure and distorting. Only when we desire nothing, only when our viewing becomes pure observation, does the soul of things open up, the beauty.
When I look at a forest that I want to buy, that I want to lease, that I want to cut down, in which I want to hunt, that I want to mortgage, then I do not see the forest, but only its relations to my desires, to my plans and worries, to my wallet. Then it consists of wood, is young or old, healthy or sick.
But if I want nothing from it, if I only gaze "thoughtlessly" into its green depth, then only is it a forest. It is nature and growth, and it is beautiful.
- Hermann Hesse
Are You Dreaming of a Non-Existent World?
Have you caught yourself saying...
"I expected we would..."
"I wished things were..."
"I assumed you would..."
"I had pictured it differently..."
"I was sure that..."
"My plan was..."
Suppose these or similar sentiments frequently surface in your thoughts, dragging along disappointment or dissatisfaction. In that case, you're likely living in a dream realm, wrestling with aspects beyond your control.
The issue with desire is that it frequently converts into dissatisfaction. You evaluate your circumstances heavily based on unfulfilled expectations. If this is your recurring pattern, done several times daily, rest assured you are fuelling your discontent. Therefore, if frequent disappointments follow your yearnings, continue reading. Learn how to assess and release unhealthy desires.
This post will explain why to be careful with:
Control: Avoiding the Trap of Uncontrollable Aspects
Assigning Blame: Your Desire Is Your Responsibility
Plans: Strategic Pathways to Fulfilling Desires
Expectations: Shaped by Desire
Judgment: The Yardstick of Desire
Control: Avoiding the Trap of Uncontrollable Aspects
Principle: Never strive to control aspects of your life that are out of your hands. Accept that many things are beyond your control and should not be the source of frustration or negative emotions.
In life, there are things you can fully control, things you have partial control over, and those that are entirely out of your control.
Full control examples include: your driving direction, your level of dedication during a sports match or study session, and how you treat your partner.
Partial control examples include: winning a sports match, which depends not only on your dedication and skill but also the skill and dedication of your opponent; passing a test, which involves your preparation and luck regarding the questions asked; influencing your partner's behavior, acknowledging that full control isn't possible.
No control examples include: factors like the weather, traffic, slot machine outcomes, and most news events. You don't possess even a fragment of control. These happen regardless.
When you desire something, you often aim to control an outcome to a degree. Be mindful of your control level over the situation. You can build healthy desires on full control elements. Be cautious with desires around partially controlled situations, and avoid desires about uncontrollable circumstances entirely.
Why? If you desire something beyond your control, you tell yourself, "I am willing to be unhappy if random, uncontrollable future events don't align with my desires."
This desire-control bias is harmful. Desiring and attempting to control random elements is futile. You have no control and, therefore, no impact. Accept this reality instead of letting it breed unhappiness.
Why don't you bang your head against a wall? Because it's nonsensical and painful. The same logic applies to desire and control.
Assigning Blame: Your Desire Is Your Responsibility
Principle: If frequent disappointment due to unmet expectations is your norm, you must recognize your role. Rather than faulting your environment, reflect on your desires.
By now, you understand the three levels of control. Before casting blame on your surroundings, consider whether you're just repeatedly hitting a metaphorical wall and then complaining about the resulting headache. Are you trying to wrestle the uncontrollable?
Perhaps your disappointment stems from botched plans, unmet expectations, or a pervasive negative outlook that harshly judges everyone and everything. Plans, expectations, and judgment all correlate strongly with desire. You may be desiring the wrong things. Take a moment to introspect and comprehend this.
Next, we'll delve into the connection between desire and plans, expectations, and judgment.
Plans: Strategic Pathways to Fulfilling Desires
Principle: Maintain critical awareness of your plans' controllable and uncontrollable aspects.
Plans are a series of interconnected desires strategically arranged into a step-by-step action sequence. Each desired outcome within a plan can be fully, partially, or not controllable.
The complexity of a plan can increase its unpredictability. The longer or more complex the plan, the greater the chance it includes uncontrollable elements, reducing your overall control.
Consider a trip with several controllable sub-goals that could be entirely derailed by bad weather, an uncontrollable element. In this case, you only partially control the entire plan.
Reflect on the desires embedded in your plans. Remain flexible. Accept, or better yet, embrace the uncontrollable aspects.
Expectations: Shaped by Desire
Principle: Be aware that expectations are just another form of desire and must also be reflected in terms of control.
Desire often lays the groundwork for expectations.
When you desire something— e.g., related to a partner, job, or vacation—you construct an internal image of how you want it to be. This mental blueprint profoundly shapes your expectations. In this manner, desire can generate expectations for things that might even be beyond your control.
However, creating expectations for things beyond your control can be problematic, often leading to frustration.
Judgment: The yardstick of desire.
Principle: Be aware that you focus on the incomplete when you judge. You are actively ignoring everything potentially beautiful when judging.
To assess how well reality aligns with your expectations, you judge.
You evaluate your partner, job, or vacation against your desires and their inspired expectations. Judgment serves as a tool to reconcile the reality of a situation with your desires and expectations.
However, judgment, grounded in expectations and desires, offers a narrow and biased perspective. Therefore, when you catch yourself judging, be mindful of the facets you might overlook by concentrating solely on the elements pertinent to your judgment.
The issue with plans, desires, expectations, and judgment?
Hermann Hesse's viewpoint cautions that plans, desires, expectations, and judgment can skew our perception of reality. Desire can limit our gaze to our needs and wants. Expectations can lead to disappointment when unmet, and judgment can easily bias our perception.
They may prevent us from truly appreciating the beauty and value of the world.
Hesse's concept of observing without desire, expectation, or judgment echoes mindfulness or non-attachment, philosophies that teach deeper perception by separating these influences from our observations.
The art lies in balancing healthy desires, realistic expectations, and fair judgments with a clear perception of reality.
Next: How Should One Desire?
What about our careers, life plans, self-improvement, and goals? Should we not desire them? Should we flit through life like mayflies, passively embracing whatever comes our way?
If you have insightful resolutions to this paradox, do leave a comment. 😊
We'll delve deeper into this in the next blog posts.
THANK YOU FOR READING!
Questions or feedback? Please comment and reach out!